Sigh...

I'm not really sure what I'm doing anymore. I feel this overwhelming sense of emptiness, like nothing I've ever felt before. Luckily, the meds I'm taking make me sleep most of the night and day, so I don't have to deal with the feelings for too many hours per day. And I've been drinking to soothe the pain, which makes me sleep more. I just don't know how to handle these feelings without dulling them somewhat. I know it isn't the best thing to do, but what choice do I have? There hasn't been any room on the psych ward during this time, so no help there, and I couldn't get in to see the psychiatrist any earlier. It's like the universe wants me to get so overwhelmed, without any help, that I finally end it.

Life is upside down.

I broke up with my fiancee a couple of weeks ago. I saw him for the first time since then yesterday. I felt so nervous going over to his new place, but I kept myself in check. I let him show me the apartment and we watched tv for an hour. I left and I lost it. I cried all the way home. I got out the wine and the whisky, trying to calm the feelings, but it didn't really help. I don't blame him for the way he is, I still love him so much, he's just not healthy for me to be with. It was so hard leaving without hugging him, telling him I love him. I miss him, but I don't miss feeling that I don't mean much to the person I love so much. I know it's for the best, so why does it still have to hurt so much? This, of course, has been going on while I've been in a bad depressive episode. I keep thinking of all the ways I could end things, weighing the pros and cons of each method and the act itself. I can't do it, though, so no need to be concerned. I went to the hospital, to ask for help, but there was no help there. I just have to help myself, I guess. It feels lonely without anyone to hold me, to tell me everything is going to be OK. But, that is how it is. I better make peace with the idea of being alone.