Sigh...

I'm not really sure what I'm doing anymore. I feel this overwhelming sense of emptiness, like nothing I've ever felt before. Luckily, the meds I'm taking make me sleep most of the night and day, so I don't have to deal with the feelings for too many hours per day. And I've been drinking to soothe the pain, which makes me sleep more. I just don't know how to handle these feelings without dulling them somewhat. I know it isn't the best thing to do, but what choice do I have? There hasn't been any room on the psych ward during this time, so no help there, and I couldn't get in to see the psychiatrist any earlier. It's like the universe wants me to get so overwhelmed, without any help, that I finally end it.

Life is upside down.

I broke up with my fiancee a couple of weeks ago. I saw him for the first time since then yesterday. I felt so nervous going over to his new place, but I kept myself in check. I let him show me the apartment and we watched tv for an hour. I left and I lost it. I cried all the way home. I got out the wine and the whisky, trying to calm the feelings, but it didn't really help. I don't blame him for the way he is, I still love him so much, he's just not healthy for me to be with. It was so hard leaving without hugging him, telling him I love him. I miss him, but I don't miss feeling that I don't mean much to the person I love so much. I know it's for the best, so why does it still have to hurt so much? This, of course, has been going on while I've been in a bad depressive episode. I keep thinking of all the ways I could end things, weighing the pros and cons of each method and the act itself. I can't do it, though, so no need to be concerned. I went to the hospital, to ask for help, but there was no help there. I just have to help myself, I guess. It feels lonely without anyone to hold me, to tell me everything is going to be OK. But, that is how it is. I better make peace with the idea of being alone.

Freaking out!

My appointment with the neurologist is less than 12 hours away and I'm freaking out. I want to know what's going on with me, but I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid it will be MS. I'm afraid it will be something worse than MS. I'm worried that I won't get any answers tomorrow and I'll be left wondering if I have MS until I do, or don't, get sick another time. I'm scared it will be something worse than I have even imagined. I know that the probability of me having anything too serious is pretty low, but I'm still scared. Stats aren't doing anything to calm me even though they usually do. I've been panicking and trying not to panic... I just want to be able to get to sleep so I can forget about all this stuff until morning. I wish I could just have a hug. I don't usually like hugs and find them uncomfortable, but I want one now. I want to feel like everything is going to be OK. I don't like other people to see me upset, but I really wish I weren't alone right now. I wish I had someone here to comfort me and make me feel safe.

Lovely...

Well, I've moved out on my own and have managed to keep myself sane! It was a rough 3 weeks before I started to adjust, but I think I've settled in now. I start college next week and I'm getting excited about that. I also found out, just a couple hours ago, that I might have MS. I was dizzy and feeling pretty terrible so I went to the hospital. The doctor did some neurological tests, checked my reflexes, asked me some questions, and then went off in a huff. He ordered bloodwork, which was fine. I thought that was good, but he told me that he was looking for a less serious cause of my symptoms and that it might be MS. I see a neurologist on Thursday, he has the results of my MRI. I'm pretty freaked out. I don't know what to think. What do I do if I have MS? It hasn't sunk in yet, really.

Overwhelmed!

So, I'm moving out of my parents house for the first time in about a month. I've just quit smoking a month ago. My dad is suffering from some kind of self-esteem issues and thinks he's ugly, old, and fat. My mom seems to be experiencing the early stages of dementia. Oh, and I go back to college in September in a different city. So life is currently quite overwhelming. I have a lot of things I need to do to get ready to move out, and now I'm worried about both my parents... I just don't know what to do with this. My mom accidentaly consumed iodine last week because she thought it was something else and I had to call poison control for her. My dad shaved off his mustache today because he thinks he's ugly. I got drunk while sorting through old files and shredding old bank statements. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be "the responsible one" and I'm terrified.

Boredom and Impatience

I have decided that boredom is much worse when I have no money. I am capable of amusing myself with things like reading, watching tv, browsing the internet, reorganizing things, and pretty much everything else one can do alone at home, but now I'm starting to go stir-crazy. Unfortunately, in order to have much fun alone outside my home, I require at least a little bit of money. If I want to have much fun without spending money, I need another person. Since I am unlikely to find someone to "hang out" with, and I hardly have a penny to my name, I suppose I am stuck being bored.
I looked through my cell phone contacts to see if there was ANYONE I could hang out with. I found numbers for my parents, several doctors, local emergency numbers, and 3 people who live too far away to be of any help in this situation. I suppose I'm having a little bit of a pity party at this point, but I'm willing to allow it for a while longer.
On the positive side, I just started taking Concerta yesterday. My mind has less "background noise" and the frequency of reciprocating thoughts has decreased dramatically. Strangely enough, though, it seems to be making me a bit sleepy. I'm not sure how a stimulant can make one sleepy, but I start to feel drowsy an hour or so after taking it and that's when it's supposed to be at its peak! I do feel more calm, though, so the bit of sedation isn't all bad.
I've started using colour contacts to help block some of the light from entering my eyes and bothering me. It seems to be helping a bit and I have noticed that I don't feel as overwhelmed and overstimulated when I go somewhere busy. I'm just using standard plano opaque colour contacts. The centre portion of the contact that is clear is smaller than my usual pupil size, so they really do block some of the light. I wonder if my large pupil size is responsible for my light sensitivity. I'm hoping they'll help with my migraines too, but it's too soon to tell. I am also trying to do my own testing for tinted lenses since Irlen lense testing is WAY too expensive ($800). If only I could figure out which colour and saturation I need, I could get a pair of glasses tinted for $40. If they could prevent my migraines, I would save $40 on painkillers and gravol in less than 6 months!
I am planning to move out (for the first time!) in August and I'm starting to get excited and impatient. I also can't wait to start school in September! There are so many (hopefully) good changes headed my way but I'm having a hard time waiting for them! I already have everything I will need for my apartment, including spices and cleaning products to get me started. I have been teaching myself some of the things related to my college course so I'll be ready. I feel like I'm in limbo right now, just waiting and not really getting anywhere.
I really can't complain, though. My mood has been decent for a few weeks now and I'm feeling pretty good overall. I have had some difficult emotions and thoughts, but I've dealt with them appropriately and it seems to be getting easier to do so. I seem to have increased my distress tolerance and coping skills quite a bit over the past year. Things are pretty good right now and I am even feeling proud of my progress. I suppose I must pay a thank-you to finding the proper diagnosis, the proper combination of medications, training in cognitive behavioural therapy, my aspergian stubbornness, and the support of my case manager.
Lets hope this new-found positivity sticks around!

Boredom and Loneliness

I seem to have an abundance of boredom lately, and with that comes loneliness. I don't tend to feel lonely when I have things to work on, but when my mind is inactive I begin to realize how isolated I am.
I have been working on a project for the past week or so and just completed it today. I'm proud to have it finished, but now I have to come up with something else to do! I've been creating workbooks to explain cognitive behavioural therapy concepts to children and adults with cognitive delay. So far I have finished "The Happy Workbook" which is written to help distract a person from feeling bad by focusing on healthy self-esteem, coping techniques and distraction techniques. Now I'm planning "The Emotion Workbook" which will look at different types of emotions, why we have "unpleasant" emotions, how to let emotions out in healthy ways, and the difference between emotions and thoughts. Then I suppose I will work on "The Thought Workbook" which will look at healthy and unhealthy thought patterns, how our core beliefs affect our thoughts, and how to change negative thought patterns by challenging them.
For now, though, I seem to be creatively stuck and have defaulted to being bored. So, of course, I feel lonely. I wish I could call someone up and go meet them for coffee, or go see a movie, or SOMETHING. I don't have anyone to call, though, as my fiance is out doing stuff with the guys. I feel terrible that my only social contact is my fiance because that must feel like an awful burden to him at times. Perhaps, someday, I will have friends to spend some of my time with. I really would like that.

Preparing to see the psychiatrist.

I have to go back to see a terrible psychiatrist next week and I'm starting to feel some anxiety surrounding the appointment. This psychiatrist has told me I'll never get better, diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder even though I do not fit the criteria, and refuses to acknowledge my Asperger's diagnosis. He has terrible bedside manner and can be downright rude at times. Unfortunately, he is the chief of psychiatry at the only hospital in my city so I can't just switch to another psychiatrist at the hospital. I'm going to try to get a referral to a psychiatrist through the family health team, but that will take 7 to 12 months and I have to "fire" this psychiatrist before I can seek a referral. So, I must go back to see this terrible doctor at least once more to adjust the dosage of my medication before I fire him.
This borderline personality diagnosis bothers me quite a bit. There are people who have the disorder, but the trend nowadays is to label any "difficult", or should I say assertive, patient with the diagnosis as a warning to other healthcare professionals that the patient will advocate for themselves and will want to take part in decisions related to their care. This is an insult to anyone falsely labelled with the diagnosis as well as to people who actually suffer from borderline personality disorder. These doctors have taken a legitimate mental health condition and turned it into a label to be feared instead of treated.
I complained to the hospital about the way in which the diagnosis was diagnosed as well as the doctor's behaviour during our appointments. I got the response of "you may be extra sensitive because you have borderline personality disorder and you may have misunderstood the doctor's behaviour, we will not be looking into this matter". So I've been back to the doctor since I made the complaint because my antidepressant had stopped working and I required a dosage adjustment and he was as rude as ever. He told me that he doesn't know anything about Asperger's syndrome but I don't have it because I'm an adult and people only have it as kids and I'm just trying to undermine his diagnosis. He refused to read the report from the neuropsychologist that performed the assessment or contact her for clarification. So I have to see him again for another adjustment and I am feeling quite anxious about having to deal with him. I would like to explain to him how I feel about the way he behaves during our appointments so that I can say that I've tried to reason with him when I make a complaint to the College of Physicians and Surgeons, but I don't want him to get offended and then not give me my prescription. I also found out that if I disagree with a diagnosis, the doctor must attach my written disagreement to the diagnosis in my file, but again I don't want him to get offended and refuse to give me my prescription. It would be a long 7 to 12 months without antidepressants.
I suppose I'll write up my disagreement and bring it with me, although I don't know if I'll have the guts to give it to him.

The "joys" of being in a relationship...

Sometimes I wonder why I ever felt like it would be a good idea to be in a romantic relationship with someone. Now is one of those times. The aspects of my partner that have allowed us to stay together for so long are now the source of much turmoil. I needed someone who could fulfill their social requirements without me having to go to social functions with them. Now, it seems, I have been cast aside except for certain "girlfriend duties" and being designated driver when he attends social functions. He works Monday to Friday, staying at his place during the week because it is closer to his work. He gets weekends off and stays at my place over the weekend. He mainly just sleeps at my place now and spends the rest of his weekend with friends. When he does hang out at my place, he just plays computer games. It wasn't always this way, we used to go out together or stay in and watch a movie, but we would spend time together. I'm not quite sure when this changed, but it has recently come to my attention.
So, being logical, I've been trying to figure out whether the turmoil I am experiencing is worse than the pain of ending a long-term relationship, or whether I am still benefiting in some way from this relationship beyond just avoiding the pain of a break-up. We have had several discussions about spending more time together and how important it is to me. The discussions always end with him promising to spend more time with me and apologizing for ignoring me, but nothing has changed. The discussion usually buys me 6 hours of quality time with him, but that's it.
Also being logical, I have realized that while I am depressed I can be a bit of a "buzzkill" and have tried to factor that into his behaviour. I understand that it is upsetting to have a depressed loved one, but I wonder if the lack of support in my relationship is a factor in my depression. I tend to be quite stubborn and don't take emotional utterances personally, so I don't believe that is a factor. Lack of support, and feeling like a burden, may be holding me back though.
So, as far as damage control goes, which is worse? Am I better off ending a nonproductive relationship that I have spent my entire adult life on, or am I better off trying to find a way to communicate my needs more effectively with the hope that he will become more supportive? That is the question, one that obviously can't be taken lightly. This will require a lot of thought and consideration.

An Introduction

So, as you may have already guessed, I'm a depressed aspie. I've been battling depression for pretty much my whole life and was diagnosed 14 years ago. I was just diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome this year and the diagnosis has been very helpful in explaining some of my quirks. I've had a lot of difficulty with the "lovely" Canadian mental health system over the years and this has inspired me to become a mental health activist. Also, my negative experiences may become fruitful if I ever get around to writing a book (I try to think positively).
While I have few/no friendships, I have managed an 8 year relationship with my fiance. I'm still not sure that I am truly compatible with him, or anyone for that matter, so the relationship remains a source of stress. Also, I'm asexual, so that does complicate things!
I have a number of obsessions and special interests. I love cats, owls, turkeys, and penguins. I also love astrophysics, pharmacology, pathophysiology, and psychology. Strange mix, I know! I am obsessed with books, correctness, efficiency, truthfulness, and emergency preparedness.
I still live with my parents, even though I am nearing 28, because I haven't been confident in my ability to look after myself, an apartment, and my cats - all at the same time. I am hoping to move out later this year when I go back to college, and I think I might actually be ready!
So, I guess that gives a rough idea of who I am, quirks and all.